When things fall down

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Monica Berg


“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” Thomas Edison

Sometimes it feels like everything is caving in and falling down around you; a black cat hasn’t just crossed your path, he’s camped out in your yard! It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and fall into a fatalistic mentality, or, on the other the hand, to rail against the injustice. Believe me, I know. I’ve had a couple weeks like that myself. It seems as though most people these days have an opinion about my life and how I should live it. In fact, I know this to be true because they are not only willing, but also eager to share it with me, and often.

I was driving across town to an appointment when I got some difficult news regarding my son Joshua’s education. The injustice of the costs a family incurs to support and educate a child with special needs seems unfair to me. It happens to be an area, for good or bad, where when things are unjust, it strikes a nerve. Providing services that help children with their limitations and challenges shouldn’t be more challenging. Astronomical costs make it harder on a family instead of easier to provide the education the child deserves. While I was on the phone receiving this news (hands-free I assure you!) I was pulled over by a policewoman for a minor traffic infraction.

You know when you need to keep going straight, but you’re caught in a right-turn only lane? What’s a woman to do? I’ll tell you. I sped up and cut someone off rather than turning right at the light. I know, I’m sorry.  And to top it off, I saw the police car, and did it anyway! I took full responsibility for the infraction, and pleaded with her not to give me the ticket. For some reason this infuriated the policewoman even more, and she proceeded to lecture me on the very dangerous obstruction hanging from my rearview mirror, and threatened to write me a bigger ticket. I know… you cannot possibly believe that I have giant furry dice hanging in my car, and you’re right. I don’t. The major, and very dangerous visual obstruction is a tiny necklace that my 10-year-old daughter made for me when she was in first grade. It’s been hanging up there for 4 years.

When I got home that afternoon, traffic fine in hand, I noticed two things that were out of the ordinary. Hanging above the entrance of my house, the chandelier had separated from the ceiling and was dangling from the electrical chords. When I looked out the window a few minutes later, I noticed a swarm of bees had settled in a tree in my front yard. I actually only noticed them because a tall truck had just driven past and had brushed against the leaves of the tree, and their hive was now abuzz with activity. Oh, and I’m slightly hormonal because I’m 9 months pregnant.

In that moment I could have chosen to have a good cry; instead I chose to have a good laugh and take it as a sign from the Creator reminding me that I don’t have enough certainty in the process. I get the messages – I know everything that is happening is part of a bigger picture, and that the meanings are important and far beyond what we can see in the physical world. The story of the building of the Tabernacle springs to mind. Building the tabernacle was not an easy process, it was arduous, and the Israelites kept complaining to Moses and Aaron, worrying whether their efforts were all a waste of time.

Many of us, if not all of us, at some point in our lives go through a difficult time – some more than others. This makes sense to us, as most of us are aware that the difficulties we encounter are part of life’s process. But it doesn’t make sense that when the moment comes to reveal the Light of all of our efforts, nothing happens. In fact, it just gets more challenging. In reality, this is when people usually decide to throw in the towel, but it’s actually at this crucial moment when we have to choose to keep pushing on.

When nothing happened at the Tabernacle, Moses and Aaron could have decided to give up. But because they pushed on, and put their faith and trust in the Creator, everything came to light, and all that was promised was revealed. It’s like giving birth to a child. It takes you nine months to grow your baby, and ready your body and mind for the moment of labor. The time comes. You push and nothing happens. You push again and again, but when do you stop? You don’t, because in a typical delivery it’s not an option – the baby needs to come out. And you never really know when the last push will reveal the creation that was growing inside.

In life, just when we think the tough times are behind us, *Bam* another hurdle pops out of nowhere! We question, “Why is this happening?! When will this stop?!” We think we know when it should end. The question we should really be asking is what do I need to learn from this “challenge”? What is the message for me? But we often don’t think to ask these questions, or alter our consciousness from one of a victim to one that is like the Creator, unless we elevate our vision and know that there is a greater design at work. The challenge here is that we lack clarity of vision. The truth is we never know when the final push will reveal the greatest blessing, and because we never know when the next effort will elevate us, we have to keep on pushing. The more clarity we have of the bigger picture, the closer we are to attaining true happiness, freedom from fear, stress, and sadness, because we align ourselves with the Creator’s plan. Trust the process ahead, no matter how stark or bleak it seems.

Spiritually, we know that the more a person succumbs to uncertainty, the more they open themselves up to more uncertainty and chaos. When we lose perspective, worry, start getting worked up, and find ourselves asking ‘why is this happening to me?’ we are opening the door wider for more negative things. Once that door is open, it’s difficult to close it. We can grow our certainty and reduce our stress by reminding ourselves that, “I might not see it, but I know a greater picture exists and thereby I can accept what is happening in my current situation.” In fact, I welcome it because there is an opportunity to gain clarity if I allow the process, let the storm pass, and the clouds clear.

Certainty is accepting the idea that life’s process is really the purpose. All that we experience—even if it comes in the form of chaos or something we don’t want—is ultimately for our greatest good and will bring us closer to our true potential. If we practice this certainty, then we can come to a point where even tremendous challenges don’t affect us. I am practicing my certainty, but also hoping I don’t receive any more messages this week – my inbox is a bit full!   As for the minor annoyances, they can “buzz” off.

THOUGHT INTO ACTION

Practice YOUR certainty. In times of stress or doubt, remind yourself that there is a bigger picture. Let these messages guide you along the way. What messages are you getting? Share them with me in the comment section.

 

Posted in Happiness, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Self Improvement | 3 Comments

Free Range Parenting

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Monica Berg

My 14-year-old son dashes toward me enthusiastically announcing, “I’m so excited for Dad to come to my baseball game and record it for you to watch!” He eagerly asks, “Will you watch the video Mom?” I tell him—what I think will be good news—that I won’t have to watch it on video, because I am able to come to his game. And to that, my son becomes quiet. He shifts from one foot to the other, his eyes restless as he scans the room, desperate to avoid making eye contact with me. Muttering, “It might be a better idea if Dad just comes to my baseball game and he can record it for you to watch.” I turned to him, perplexed, asking him why, if I could come would he prefer me to watch it on video? He repeated a few times, in a soft voice, “No, no. That’s okay. Dad will record it for you.”

When I made him feel comfortable enough to discuss this, he admitted that among his peers, my 8-month pregnant body made him a little uncomfortable. While I know he doesn’t mean to be as insensitive as he sounds, my ego was a little put off. I wasn’t upset at him or angry, but in all honesty it did make me quickly announce that it was time for bed.

David has an intense discomfort when it comes to things like blood, vomit, and I have discovered in the past 8 months, pregnancy, too. He literally has a physical, mental and emotional aversion to all of the above. I have tried to see it from his perspective, and I can on some level appreciate that this pregnancy must make him feel that for the time being, I am like an alien, and inside of me grows a tiny human. It’s quite foreign. I get that.

During my pregnancy he’s been physically uncomfortable hugging me at times. Once, he saw the baby move through my shirt and had to run to the bathroom, nauseated and sweating. It’s a personality quirk and as ego-crushing as it is sometimes, for me anyway, I try to put aside my initial shock and not take it personally. I also remind him that this is how he also entered the world. That’s the only way I can help parent him through his process. When my thoughts, words and actions come from a place of the ego, my ability to express love and empathy is compromised. Most recently, I came into his room to kiss him goodnight and he suggested that I simply say goodnight from the door; just in case I go into labor while kissing him goodnight. It’s quite comical actually!

We sat together the other day and talked about his aversion to the natural processes of the human body, and I asked him if he was going to be like this with his wife someday. He assured me that he would not be, because he expects to be far more mature at that time. He has a point and I suspect that is true.

I see my job as a parent as getting to the core of his reaction, by allowing him the space to share his thoughts, by actively listening, by letting him feel heard and accepted, and then working with him to get him to the place he needs to be (rather than perhaps where I think he should be.) Once I have an idea of what he’s experiencing, we can explore the source of his thoughts, reactions or feelings. We discuss whether his observations and conclusions are accurate or inaccurate, and if this is something he is happy with, or would like to change his perspective about. I never respond to anything he says with phrases like “that’s not nice!” or “why on earth would you think that?” I never directly say nor imply that he is wrong, or insensitive.

My intention is to create a space where he feels safe in sharing with me. In order to help him in his growth, I can’t allow myself to take anything he says personally, because once I do that I lose the proper mindset to ask him the right questions. And I know my son loves me, truly. The issues he is having, although it’s “technically” about me, it’s not really about me at all.

I have always been cognizant to not label any of my children. Specifically when my children started to notice differences in my second son, in Josh, and his ability to do things, which other children could do with greater ease. I expressed that everyone is different. For instance, Josh is great at basketball; he’s even better than some children older than him. While he is an ace on the basketball court, he’s not quite as masterful in other areas that may even seem quite simple. Just as I do not assign any of my children negative characteristics (insensitive, wrong, etc.) neither do I assign them positive characteristics like smart, athletic, talented or pretty. Labeling in general limits children to being good or bad at one thing. Recent studies reveal that while your child may in fact be very smart, or very athletic – if you place your focus predominantly on their ability, it can actually backfire as a result.

Dr. Caroline Dweck, the Lewis and Virginia Eaton Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, has performed a series of studies over the years, denoting the negative effects praise has on children. In a 5th grade study, Dr. Dweck gave a simple nonverbal IQ test consisting of a series of puzzles to each student. Once each of them had completed it, they were given their scores and a single line of praise. Half of the students were told, “You must be smart at this,” while the other half were told, “You must have worked really hard.” For the next round of this study, each child was given a choice; they could either choose a similar puzzle or a more challenging puzzle. I find the results of this “option” fascinating. 90% of the kids who were commended for their effort chose the more challenging puzzle, while the majority of the children who were praised for their intelligence opted for the similar, easy-going puzzle.

Dr. Dweck’s study reveals that “smart” kids are afraid to try new things because “to fail” is not “to be smart.” They would rather maintain the image of being smart than risk failure. However, she explains that,  “emphasizing effort gives a child a variable they can control, and they come to see themselves as in control of their success.”

Kabbalists teach that unwavering effort is the only way to fulfillment and growth. What Dr. Dweck discovered in her research is that those who think that innate intelligence is the key to success start to disregard the significance of effort. The overarching message she conveys to parents is to become very specific about our praise, and focus on process rather than outcome. Research has shown that children who have been extolled as intelligent all their lives have a greater propensity to cheat because they have no strategy for handling failure.

This study on praise got me thinking. As parents, are we 100% aware of why we praise our children even if they don’t deserve it? We’re not doing them any favors by being dishonest. I think that lavishly and unconditionally lauding them is often wishful thinking on a parent’s behalf. Perhaps by telling them how wonderful and talented they are, some parents try to soothe their own anxieties about being working parents, or not spending enough time with their kids, or parents simply try to save their children from some embarrassing childhood experience they had as a child, or failure altogether. But failure is, as we come to know, what ultimately leads to success. Perhaps we see our children as extensions of ourselves, instead of the unique people they are and one day will become, with their own processes to navigate, and their own goals to fulfill and potential to reach. We need to be aware of how we choose to express our love for them, and how our anxieties of not being there enough are manifested.

Nurture your children for the people they are, not for who you want them to become. I believe that our kids are not really our kids, in the ownership sense of the word. We are just here to help guide them to manifest their goals. When we don’t label our children as “our children” and listen to them as fellow travelers on life’s path, as another person sharing a human experience, then you will find yourself having real conversations and sharing real emotions. Don’t be afraid of this. A beautiful transparency happens when you let go of scolding, herding and the parenting mindset. Your children get to see you, as you are, doing the things that you love and communicating in an honest and real way. I strive to live in such a way that my children see my passion and drive every day. This is one of the important lessons they see rather than one that can be taught. Be authentic with your kids and they will follow your example.

I remember when David was born, my appreciation for his mere existence was overwhelming. The touch of his mouth on my neck, the smell of his skin, his delicate skull with a head of hair that stood straight up, cradled in my hand. Any sound he uttered to me was heavenly. Now, in a different stage of his youth, I’ve discovered that when they get a mouth on them (around puberty) suddenly that appreciation I so overwhelmingly felt, in all honesty, feels a little underwhelming. My love hasn’t changed for him, but only the appreciation that I feel has changed on “certain days”.

Then there are reminders in life, things that come up, tragedies in the news reawaken appreciation and suddenly the love we feel comes rushing back. It’s very healthy to be aware that the disconnected feelings we have sometimes towards those we love most isn’t really accurate. My love for my son is unconditional (no matter how repulsive he finds my pregnancy!)

Unconditional love is not about what one can gain from another person, it isn’t about power, wealth or self-esteem. Unconditional love is about loving someone at their core, their essence; you love them just because they exist. To be loved or to love unconditionally is to value the characteristics in a person that are a manifestation of the person’s core self, their essence. It comprises the actual principles by which they live through their behavior and their actions, and the only expectations of unconditional love are to be heard, to be respected and to be treated with human dignity.

When children know they are loved unconditionally, they feel safe and are able to fulfill and manifest their potential, despite getting a C on a math midterm, or missing that throw at second base.  By supporting them unconditionally we encourage them to pursue meaningful things, because sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you when it’s too hard to believe in yourself.  That’s the power of unconditional love, honesty and careful praise. By not assigning them with any one thing, we allow them to become so many things. Love, after all, is the nourishment that humans need to fulfill their greatness, whatever form that may take.

To my children: David, Joshua and Miriam,

May you all take on whatever form you need, to fulfill your own unique greatness.

Happy Mother’s Day!

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

For what do you praise your children? Are you being genuine, or are you overcompensating for some other lack? Listen, be honest and be specific. Write a journal of every time you praise your child, and see if there is an unhealthy pattern you can change into something more productive. I would love for you to share your observations with me in the comment section.

 

Posted in Happiness, Health, Love, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Relationships, Self Improvement | 4 Comments

The Power of Fusion

Posted on May 8, 2013 by Monica Berg

Welcome to the New Moon of Gemini. We are embarking on a very exciting and important month. Kabbalists call it the month of Sivan, and its gift is the ability to bring two separate and opposing forces together as one in an effort to bring peace to the world.

Gemini is symbolized by Twins, which represent two aspects of one thing, like two sides of the same coin, which are ultimately one in the same. Gemini is ruled by the smallest and closest planet to the sun, Mercury, who is aptly named after the messenger of the Roman Gods. Mercury’s influence over us this month assists us in our ability to communicate and integrate our duality, and our diversity.

Geminis are quick-thinking, alert, bright, fast-talking, and charmingly persuasive.  Geminis are renowned for their impatience, and in part this is because of Mercury’s influence. The two aspects of the twins might well explain why Geminis fluctuate between two different sides of their personality – the Jekyll and Hyde element some of you may be acquainted with. They tend to be non-committal, they rarely finish what they start, they dislike routine, and they are bored easily. But the flipside of this is they have a penchant for information and practicality.  A Gemini will grasp all sides of a question. Their minds are like little fastballs, not unlike Mercury, which is known as the fastest planet in our solar system. They love sharing ideas, and communication is tantamount to these intellectual-ninjas.  And although Geminis are friendly and lovable, they are also easily influenced. It’s easy for them to agree with everybody, often taking opposite sides in the same discussion.

During the month of Gemini, there is an energy present that can create harmony and unity in the universe, no matter how disparate they may seem. This energy is what kabbalists call, restriction, and by recognizing and including it in our daily undertakings, we can transform the quality of life for ourselves and the world. The means to obtaining this is through restriction.

I often find that people unintentionally confuse restriction with repression. Restriction is the ability to not be reactive in a challenging situation, to not lash out in anger, or speak unkindly when confronted with adverse behavior. Repression on the other hand is keeping silent, ignoring and pushing aside your thoughts and feelings, and not standing up for yourself or your beliefs. For the most part, repression is a sense of denial, which can be very damaging.

Although it seems clear when I define them side-by-side, when it comes to expression, we may think we are being non-reactive by being completely non-expressive. The kabbalists use a great example to explain restriction: if you need to boil some water, would you turn the stove on, crank up the flame, and then toss a bucket of water at it? That would be silly. We need something between these two elements of fire and water; we need an aid, a vessel, into which we place the water. The vessel in between these two elements – the steel pot –restricts the water and fire thereby allowing the two disparate forces together to work as one. And that is the power of restriction.

I suggested that the month of Sivan gives us an opportunity to create unity, but how is that achieved? How do we remove darkness and negativity? And how do we apply that in our lives? The answer is restriction. When somebody does something to you that you don’t like, or somebody hurts you, restrict.  Rav Berg says, “Restriction is the secret of fusion, as well the secret of peace in our world.” This month it is of our greatest benefit to love when we feel anger, to show compassion when we feel affronted, and to practice intolerance in the face of hatred and bigotry.

Kabbalists teach that there are two forces in our world – there is Light and there is darkness. There is the spiritual and there is the physical. And as long as these two forces remain separate, darkness prevails. Rav Berg has taught us that darkness is not really its own force, but rather that it is simply a lack of Light, and this month, we have the power to infuse that Light into our lives and the world.

Our job in this world, both personally and globally, is to bring enough Light so that there are no remnants of darkness. As Rav Berg makes clear, we, every single one of us, influence what occurs in the world. When we create peace with our restriction in our lives, we bring one more element of peace into our world.

What is it that creates separation, fighting, and arguments between people? The ego, and its incessant need to be right. The question is: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

We must understand that the root of all of these problems is the inability to bring about unity, from the troubles in your relationship and at work, to strife between countries. The gift of this month, the meaning in this month, is that we have the ability to create, to awaken, to draw into our lives and into the world the power of unity through practicing restriction.

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

Make a commitment this month as of right now: conflict and anger have no place in your life. In moments of tension, seek out the peaceful solution. Pay attention to what sets you off and take steps to avoid these triggers. When you do react, take a few deep breaths, remind yourself that anger and judgment come only to create separation and chaos. Your awareness and restriction will go a long way this month towards creating unity in the world.

 

Posted in Happiness, Health, Love, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sharing | 1 Comment

The Gift

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Monica Berg

We’ve all heard Friedrich Nietszche’s famous saying, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” It’s something people have been saying for years to bolster courage and help bring levity to challenging times. Kelly Clarkson, most recently, has made this a popular mantra with her smash hit, Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You.)

In 2006, a woman named Karina Hollekim, daredevil, skier, and BASE jumper almost died. Her parachute malfunctioned during what should have been a very ordinary jump, and she plummeted to earth, severely breaking both legs. Her right leg experienced 21 open fractures, while her left leg was shattered into four pieces. Doctors told her that she would never walk again. Prior to her accident she lived to push the envelope, and was fearless in her pursuit of adventure. Understandably, she felt her life and identity were destroyed.

In addition to 14 surgeries over four months, she was plagued by infections, one so bad in fact that it caused a wound to burst. At one point doctors considered amputation, however, a wad of grass and gravel were discovered deep in her leg tissue, and immediately removed. She never had another infection again.

After Karina was released from the hospital four months after that fateful day, she was admitted to an inpatient rehabilitation facility to start the next stage of her healing process. Surrounded by amputees, paraplegics, and quadriplegics, and the stark reality of her future, Karina sank into depression. She was suffering a classic case of post-traumatic STRESS. These are the severe psychological and physical afflictions that can occur after a trauma. Over the next few weeks Karina became more despondent, lost and frustrated. She was not responding to any treatments.

That all changed on the day one of physical therapists handed her a pair of boxing gloves and told her to start punching, and she did. She hit the therapist with all the might she could muster. Karina had finally found a way to use her body — and that gave her hope. Karina made a choice after that day that would change her life forever – she threw herself into her rehabilitation – a process which was arduous and excruciating. It took Karina one year before she would make her first attempt at walking again.

Karina Hollekim, experienced a phenomenon called post-traumatic GROWTH. In the early 90’s psychologists, Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, coined the term post-traumatic growth after conducting numerous surveys on hundreds of patients who had survived severe injuries or loss. Instead of feelings of depression, anxiety and stress, each patient displayed remarkable effects of renewed appreciation for their lives, a stronger connection to their spirituality, and overall inner-strength.

Post-traumatic growth refers to the positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.  Simply put, it is the exact opposite of post-traumatic stress! Psychologists explain that this “growth” does not occur as a direct result of trauma, but rather it is the individual’s struggle with the new reality in the aftermath of trauma that is crucial in determining the extent to which post-traumatic growth occurs. It hinges on the re-evaluation of one’s core beliefs.

In the hours after my son Josh was born and diagnosed with Down Syndrome, I found myself obsessing on the thought that something bad was going to happen again.   It is not typical of my personality to latch on to one idea and then obsess about it, but in this case, I did.  There was one idea, and it played over, and over, and over again in my mind for months.

Josh is an absolute blessing in my life, but at that time, I was still dealing with the shock of the news – it had been totally out of left field, and it turned my world upside down.  I kept obsessing over what was waiting for me around the corner. I kept asking myself, “What’s going to happen next?” I kept expecting to get struck by lightning or waiting for the other shoe to drop. To prove my point to my husband I went online and searched how many times somebody had been hit by lightning. Interestingly, and if you’re curious, I found an instance where the same person was struck three times.  THREE TIMES! I kept proving my point over and over again, because I needed this obsession on some level.

I was unaware at the time, but it was easier for me to obsess about illogical fears and to be paralyzed by thoughts of things that would never happen than it was to focus on my real fear of, “Who will my son, Josh, become? What will life be like for him? How will he evolve? Will I ever love him like I love my other children?” (The truth is I don’t know what I will become, or how I will evolve, or how much my heart is capable of loving, so I stopped asking questions which I could not possibly answer.)

In the initial months after Josh’s birth, I went through several different stages of grief and ultimately acceptance. For a while, I felt really worried about life in general, about how anything can happen at any moment. I finally got to the place where I didn’t believe that it was a punishment. I didn’t believe that I deserved something bad. I saw him as a blessing and as a gift. Therefore, my reality followed that idea – that thought. If I had perceived it as a judgment or as something I deserved, or bought into the belief that “I’m bad and this is what happens to bad people”, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I remember turning to my husband one day and saying, “This shouldn’t be happening to us. We live a conscious life. We are good people.” And he turned to me and said, “What does that have to do with anything?” In that moment, I became aware of a faulty core belief, I “knew” that leading a spiritual life meant nothing bad would ever happen. But at that moment I discovered I had to re-learn everything I thought I already understood. Everything that I had always tried to be strong about, gathering strength in my ability to not need anyone, and that when push came to shove I could do things on my own. I came to realize that it was just my ego, a defense mechanism that I created in my childhood. I began to recognize what my real purpose was, and I committed myself to fulfilling it.

In essence, I had to change my core beliefs. I had to redefine what I thought it meant to be the mother of a special needs child. I had to change my belief that this was somehow my fault and erase the guilt I had surrounding Josh’s diagnosis. Once you change limiting core beliefs, it’s like the world opens up for you. My feelings of gratitude and appreciation were so powerful. This experience and my response to it was completely transformational.

Tedeschi and Calhoun’s research reveals that some of the results viewed in people who have experienced post-traumatic growth include: greater appreciation of life; greater sense of personal strength; warmer, more intimate relationships; changed sense of priorities; spiritual development and recognition of new possibilities or paths for one’s life. In layman’s terms: something horrible happens to you and you become better for it once it is over.

Kabbalistically, it is believed and taught that “bad” things are opportunities for amazing growth. What we perceive as “bad” is really a gift cloaked in a highly unflattering disguise. Challenges, if we choose to see it this way, can help us grow, make us stronger and wiser, and essentially we become better for them. Part of our purpose for being in this world is to change, to constantly develop, and live a life filled with long term happiness. What makes having certainty so difficult is knowing that everything that happens to us is in our best interest.

There is a big difference between positive thinking and certainty. Positive thinking is when you really want something, or a specific outcome, and you push aside your doubts. Certainty is being in a mind space where doubt doesn’t even exist. It is a completely different level of consciousness. The truth is that it is not something that comes naturally to us, nor is it something we can simply desire and manifest. Lack of certainty has been ingrained into our thought process from the minute we came into this world. Our minds have been trained to see the restrictions of this world. For example, we doubt that certain diseases can ever be cured, or that certain situations will get better.

Kabbalists teach that not only do we need to have certainty in the bigger picture, but we must develop, grow and trust our certainty in ourselves. Just as we need to have certainty in the Creator’s ability to bring about change and blessings, we must also have that same certainty in our own ability and in the overall process.

In Karina’s case, despite the extent of her injuries, the tests and challenges that faced her in recovery, and some very dark moments, she has become a successful and sought-after motivational speaker, a published author, a more thoughtful and responsible friend and daughter, and Karina can walk again. She has more certainty in the decisions she makes and is appreciative for everything in her life. She even asserts that she is thankful that the accident happened in the first place.

In my case, because of Josh I have learned so much, grown beyond measure, and my marriage has evolved into something that I never could have imagined it to be. I have empathy and a desire to share and to help others in their process. I’ve grown as a wife, mother, teacher and friend in ways that were not possible before. I emerged from this challenge better, stronger and with more appreciation for all the blessings in my life.

In Kabbalah it is taught that before any great Light – successful transformation or miracle can be revealed; an awakening of great doubt will precede it. The kabbalists teach that this aspect of inspiration, certainty, and transformation comes directly from the place of doubt, stumbling, struggling and falling. Our greatest Light is revealed to us AFTER the darkest of places. When we are at our lowest point, when we have the most doubt in ourselves, and nothing seems possible, that is the moment when an opening is available for us. This opportunity will yield something far beyond our imaginings.

One does not have to experience something awful in order to reap such results. Jane McGonigal PhD, the inventor and co-founder of SuperBetter, did extensive research on the matter, while developing this game app. McGonigal discovered that we can have similar results to post-traumatic growth WITHOUT the trauma by building up our resilience; much like going to the gym on a daily basis to build up muscle, we can build up your resilience with daily challenges.

Resiliency refers to the idea of an individual’s tendency to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or simply not showing negative effects in the face of stress.

There are 4 kinds of resilience:

  1. Emotional
  2. Social
  3. Physical
  4. Mental

And there are various ways to work on each of the resilience, and the effects are almost immediate.

Start developing your resilience today. Pair it with practicing daily gratitude, and you could be well on your way to no-trauma growth!

  1. Emotional: Focus on the positive
  2. Social: Stay connected with loved ones. Text, call, email. Invest your time in people, make new friends, and care for those in your life.
  3. Physical: Move! Go for a walk around the block. Take in the change of season. A little Vitamin D will do you good.
  4. Mental: Learn something new. Explore new interests. Meditate – quiet your mind, and tap into your intuition.

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

Challenge yourself to develop your resiliencies in the four areas of emotional, social, physical and mental. Share the ways you “exercise” your resiliency in the comments.

Posted in Happiness, Health, Love, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Relationships, Self Improvement | 2 Comments

Something I want to share with you…

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Monica Berg

I received an interesting email last week from a reader, and she has been gracious enough to allow me to share it on my blog, along with my response to her. Much like all things in life, I believe at least one person, somewhere out there, can relate and hopefully benefit from my sharing it.

The letter:

Hi Monica!

I’ve done a lot of work on putting myself out there and making friends lately, which is against my nature. I signed up on INSTAGRAM to get in touch with old high school friends, and every day, I’ve been sharing a Kabbalah quote by Yehuda, you, Michael, the Rav, Karen, etc. I really enjoy doing it because it’s just a part of who I am. It’s my passion and joy to share Kabbalah with others.

From the start, I was a little nervous about doing it because I live in a small town in the south. I don’t think many of the residents are familiar with spirituality. I feel uncomfortable doing it everyday, because it might seem like a bit much (I don’t necessarily think I post anymore than anybody else but I am ridiculously self conscious about everything I do). Today, my worst fear was confirmed: someone deleted me from their list of people that they follow.

So I guess my question to you is this: when sharing Kabbalah, can we often only expect to truly influence a few people out of many when we put it out there? Should I keep sharing it even if I feel uncomfortable doing so and am not currently getting much, if any, feedback on it? I mean, I’m doing it out of love. I don’t have any ego involved in it–I just really want to help people. I figure that if it inspires me, then it’s my job to pass it on to others. And I do have about ten people that I talk to everyday about Yehuda’s tune-ups, your blog posts, and things like that. It’s just that I’m trying to share it more with new people, but feel that I’m swimming upstream in doing so.

Any insight would be much appreciated!

My Response:

Hi

I’ve been thinking about your email, and maybe INSTAGRAM isn’t the forum to use. Or perhaps it is, and you simply need to put it out there and let it go.

What is your intention behind sharing these messages? Is it to share or to be liked? The thing is, if you rely on others to lift you up, don’t forget that you open yourself up to them bringing you down, too.

Whether people like the messages you are sharing or not, it doesn’t really matter, what matters is how you feel about yourself and how much energy you invest in what you believe in.

Very often in life (I think many of us are familiar with this), we look for validation from other people. But the truth is, and this is one of my favorites quotes, “What other people think about you is none of your business.” Don’t forget that you already have everything you need to be the person you’re supposed to be. What people may or may not say shouldn’t matter.

Once you get to the bottom of your intention you can turn this all around. It won’t matter whether or not people like it; you will simply feel good just putting it out there because sharing it brings you happiness.

Love,

Monica

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Happiness, Purpose, Q&A, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sharing | 2 Comments

Lag B’Omer: bringing goodness to the world

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Monica Berg

People have been telling stories since the beginning of time. The oldest proof of our stories comes from cave walls painted some 40,000 years ago. We tell stories to instruct, to entertain, some are cautionary tales, others are tales that inspire and intrigue, and awaken a new desire for our own lives. I’m going to share a story that is over 2000 years old, about a great kabbalist named Rav Shimon Bar Yochai. I hope you find it just as enlightening and inspirational as I have.

Once upon a time…

There was a great sage who brought us the Zohar – the central text of kabbalah. His efforts to do so were painstakingly arduous, and it is believed that the reason he merited to reveal the great secrets that he did was because he was willing to do whatever he needed to do, even in great pain, with great difficulty to reveal his purpose.

During much of the time the Romans ruled Israel, they did not allow the study of the bible. There was a lot resistance against the revelation of the Zohar and the secrets therein, but Rav Shimon Bar Yochai was adamant about the need to continue to teach and share the wisdom, to reveal secrets to the world, even though he knew the penalty of getting caught was death. For 12 years he studied in a small cave, hidden from the world, and revealed the great gift of the Zohar with his son, Rabbi Eleazar.

Throughout history, and from the beginning of time, there have been many secrets. The secrets of how our world operates, the secrets of the universe, the secrets of the body and mind, and the nature of the spirit. But nobody had ever gathered them all together in one place, until Rav Shimon revealed them as the Book of Splendor, or the Zohar, during his exile.

This Saturday is Lag B’Omer and the Death Anniversary of Rav Shimon Bar Yochai. Kabbalists explain that on the anniversary of a righteous person leaving this world, all of the Light (energy) they manifested in their lifetime is available to us. The righteous leave behind an imprint of their deeds on the world—leaving the entirety of their wisdom and power. On the anniversary of their death, we are able to connect with the very essence of that energy, and draw it into our lives. On Lag B’Omer we have the ability to awaken the spark of Light within us to ensure our spiritual and physical well-being so that we may fulfill the purpose of our lives. On Saturday night through Sunday morning, we are able to tune into an open channel. Anybody with a true desire, with a true need, can have their prayers and their needs answered in a way that is not available any other time of the year. This is the gift of this day, to reveal our greatest secrets, desires, hopes and ambitions. The kabbalists tell us that Lag B’Omer is one of the most important days to awaken blessings in the entire year.

The gift of Lag B’Omer is the opportunity to connect to our potential, and reveal it. With the assistance of the great soul of Rav Shimon Bar Yochai, we can connect to our potential, to that aspect of ourselves that is still concealed, and seemingly out of sight. On this day we strive to reveal, or at least commence that process.

Lag B’Omer is a wake up call, a call to your soul to make a greater commitment to push beyond what we think is possible, no matter what difficulty we find ourselves in, no matter what the challenges are, because, to quote my husband, Michael, “If our cause is noble – to bring goodness to this world – we have support from the universe while we push forward.”

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

Commit yourself to something this week. If something in particular has felt difficult, persevere. Make the most of what’s available to you, and tell me how it goes by sharing your experience with me in the comment section.

 

 

Posted in Happiness, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Self Improvement, Sharing | 1 Comment

Meatloaf Mondays

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Monica Berg

I was chatting with my mom the other day. I asked her how she was and she said, “Oh, you know, it’s Monday again.” After she had just returned from a 10 day European vacation, I asked her how it was to be home. She said, “Oh, you know, back to life, back to reality.” I was saddened by what she said, because to me, when people say this, and a lot of people do, it’s as if they are just waiting for life to end, so to speak. This resigned response of ‘it’s Monday again’ implies a sense of routine. There is little going on, same old same old, nothing new to report, no living-in-the-moment, no excitement for the possibilities of a new day. So many people live a life of responsibility, being the one who will show up and do the right thing; what does the “right” thing even mean? It usually means doing the RIGHT thing for others, but not necessarily for ourselves.

My mom is not the only person to get stuck in a rut. Almost all of us get caught up in the day-to-day effect of life, crossing our t’s, dotting our i’s, eat, sleep, work, lather, rinse, repeat. Why do we do this?

Life is so full of wonder, so full of unexpected surprises, and challenges. In fact, no day should feel the same as the last if you are living your potential – your true purpose and calling. Life is a menu filled with options to choose from, and you can order whatever you desire. Choose differently. You don’t have to eat meatloaf every Monday. You create your reality!

My mom is a hard worker, responsible, a loyal wife, and an amazing cook – ensuring that my father is well cared for. She is pretty well versed in looking after others before taking care of herself. She did this for her three siblings, for her parents, then for her children, and still to this day for her husband. And this, in my opinion, is why she feels the way she does.

I’m reminded of last summer, when I was driving to the Hamptons with my Mom, my husband and my kids. I was excited to have my mom with us, and to take her to a place she’d never been before. Although she grew up in New York, like most things, there was another world she wasn’t aware even existed outside of her neighborhood. I was as excited to introduce her to The Hamptons as when I get to introduce my children to a new place or experience. There we were driving along Montauk Highway, my mom wedged between my kids in the backseat, I was pointing out different organic farms along the way, when a song by Dido came on the radio.

Two weeks away feels like the whole world should have changed,

But I’m home now, and things still look the same.

I think I’ll leave it ’til tomorrow to unpack,

Try to forget for one night that I’m back in my flat.

On the road where the cars never stop going through the night, to a life where I can’t watch the sun set…

I don’t have time.

I don’t have time.

I’ve still got sand in my shoes…

As I was driving, I glanced into the rearview mirror and saw my mom’s face, with tears running down her cheeks. The reality was, the minute she’d get back home she would still have sand in her shoes and nothing would have changed about her day-to-day life. My mom loves to play tennis – it’s something that brings her great joy – yet she has not played a game in almost 10 years, because she hasn’t made the time to play. My mom has been so diligent in her efforts to take care of everybody else’s needs that she hasn’t given herself permission to want.

People who put everyone before themselves never end up having time to tend to their desires, or worse – they forget what it is they wanted, and eventually, over time lose their desire altogether. The scary thing is that most people spend their lives doing things they dislike, taking them far away from their goals, leaving them to live a life they were not intended to live. There is always enough time in life if you spend it right; when you want something badly enough, you make time for it regardless of other commitments. The truth is, most people don’t give themselves permission to want something badly enough.

Only we can create the life we want. We can be agents of change by honoring and respecting the desires and dreams we have for our lives, but none of us can honor our purpose in life, when we live our lives for everyone else, or according to the standards set by others. As long as we keep putting somebody else’s desires before our own, our dreams will take a back seat. We need to give ourselves permission to pursue happiness, because we are all deserving of fulfillment and joy.

When we feel stuck in our lives, carrying around our disappointments like sad reminders of our failures, or when we fall into a place where we lack excitement or desire, we often feel hopeless. But the reality is we can always transform our circumstances. There is nothing and no one holding us back but ourselves. We are not trees; we can move, we can uproot and go someplace better. As human beings we can change because we have free will. Sadly, we don’t seek the change we desire because we think it will happen on its own, or that it simply cannot happen for a number of reasons… lack of time, money, means, and on and on.

Start making the changes you desire. Employ curiosity as a means to getting what you want, because curiosity is so much more than just keeping an open mind, it’s about never putting a limitation on what is or isn’t possible. Let your imagination soar, and take the small steps towards making it a reality. Believe you are worthy and deserving of a fulfilled life, and be proactive in your pursuit, because no one else can, or will, do it for you. In short, create your own reality!

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

What dream of yours is playing second fiddle to someone else’s? Give yourself permission and take one step toward your goal, and make the effort required to fulfill it, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel. Remember that true transformation comes from stepping out of our comfort zones.

 

 

Posted in Happiness, Motivation, Potential, Relationships, Self-worth | 4 Comments

Get out of your comfort zone

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Monica Berg

Get excited!! There is a true gift available to you this month, and I’m going to share it with you. Rav Berg explains that this month provides us with the tremendous opportunity to awaken the knowledge that we have the power to heal ourselves. One of the primary principles of Kabbalah is that the perfect healer is oneself, and we should know and believe in how vast our powers to heal are. At first we may need a doctor’s assistance in the matter. The doctor may put two pieces of a bone together, but the doctor doesn’t participate in the ultimate healing process. They just create the optimal environment for you to heal yourself.

The kabbalists reveal that this word Iyar (Hebrew for Taurus) is actually an acronym, made up of other words, which specifically in this case are, “Ani Hashem Rofecha,” which means, “I, God, the Light of the Creator, am your healer.” This month is more than just about healing a physical ailment; it’s about healing ourselves emotionally and spiritually, and transforming our lives.

The month of Taurus (Iyar in Hebrew) is controlled by the planet Venus (nogah), and is aptly nicknamed the month of Light. Venus – Taurus’ ruler is the brightest shining object in the night sky. Those born in this month are highly influenced by Venus’ powers, and even those not born in this month will be affected by the powerful influence of Taurus, too. According to kabbalistic astrologists, we can expect some obstacles and delays during the month, but this is far from bad news; persevering through discomfort and delays is what provides us with opportunities that aid in our overall healing transformation.

Taureans are known as the pacifists of the zodiac. They will go out of their way to maintain the peace, and are renowned for their patience and loyalty. They love their comfort; their home is their castle, and they are all too happy in their own company. The pursuit of comfort can make a Taurean very stubborn, and at times selfish. Give a Taurus a book and they are content to lie about on their own, and read it cover to cover. They have a general feeling of peace and wellbeing, and have a great appreciation and understanding for all things beautiful, wholesome and good.

Taureans don’t harbor prejudices, they constantly seek the good where nobody else will look for it, and they manage to uncover EVERY positive aspect of a situation.  Taureans are the eternal optimists of the zodiac – focusing only on the positive while completely disregarding the negative. In fact, one might say that they are a little too attached to the physical world around them… they don’t like the rug to be pulled out from under them, so to speak. They do not like change or discomfort, and will go to great lengths to deny that problems even exist! This can manifest as a lack of awareness, which is detrimental to their ability to make decisions, as well as their personal relationships. Their stubbornness prevents them from facing reality, and change.

Kabbalistically, one would say that they use the Light to deliberately stay in the dark. In the end they know that everything will work out as it is meant to, so they avoid dealing with what comes up before the end point. But steering ourselves away from discomfort only blocks us off from the challenges, which are meant as opportunities for blessings and growth. A lot of the time, and this is not solely reserved for those born under Taurus; we can all be complacent, and fail to do this work (of healing and correction) because we don’t want to acknowledge negativity or pain in our lives. We would rather avoid it altogether. But part of what Kabbalah stands for is the removal of all negativity from our lives. Having the knowledge that we have the power to do so is tantamount to achieving it.

At some point in all of our lives we reach a point of crisis, of chaos. It may happen intermittently throughout our lives, but chaos does not last forever. It will end. Chaos is an illusion, and our task is to persevere through with the certainty that the chaos is not infinite. It’s just present for a short while to teach us a lesson and provide an opportunity for growth.

We are intended to have happy and blessed lives, but we need to work for it. The point of the chaos is to see beyond it, and to persevere through it. When we’re totally comfortable in everything in our lives, and everything is smooth sailing there is no room to grow. Remember, a boat that doesn’t rock goes nowhere. A comfort zone is actually a stagnation zone. When something uncomfortable arises, it is an opportunity to grow, because there is something to reveal on the other side of the discomfort. It’s in the moments when we push outside of ourselves that the Light of the Creator can flow through us and create miracles.

This is the month to acknowledge and heal all the things you’ve been denying or hiding from. In order to bring blessings into our lives, we need to get out of our comfort zone, and embrace the challenges. It’s time to remove all your feelings of guilt and shame about past mistakes, indulging in gossip, or speaking with ill intent, and move forward, stronger and transformed. All the energy you need is available to you to emerge from your protective bubble, to engage with the world, your partner, your friend, or any problematic situations you’ve been avoiding, and take action, because healing and true fulfillment is your responsibility and your ultimate destiny.

“The Light is your shadow” –  Rav Berg.

This means that the way we behave toward ourselves, and toward others is what the Light mimics. As we go against our nature in spite of the pain and discomfort, the Light goes against its nature, making the impossible possible. This is the secret of miracles, and the true gift of the month.

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

Be your own healer this month. Meditate on the letters of the month, recite the Ana Bekoach, and give big. You can give by way of time, money or love, just as long as you stretch beyond what’s comfortable.

Posted in Happiness, Health, Motivation, Potential, Purpose, Relationships, Self Improvement | 1 Comment

Tea parties with God

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Monica Berg


I’m going to let you in on a little secret… we have all the answers to all the questions and life quandaries that we’ve ever had, we had them before we were even born. There is a beautiful kabbalistic teaching that says before we come into this world an angel shares all the information we would ever need in our lives; we just don’t remember because we live in a realm of forgetting. Honestly, if we could remember or did remember all of our past lives, I don’t think any of us would be sane!

We get very caught up in our lives; we become too involved in everyday life, the illusions we think are real, and we forget that everything has an inception, a starting point. Just because we don’t remember it, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. We live in the illusionary world, where the situations we face seem to have a connection with only the physical world we see, hear, touch, taste and smell, essentially forgetting that there is so much more at play. When we mistake these deceptions for reality it disconnects us from our source, our inception – our Creator, as well as our overall purpose in this lifetime. Furthermore, we believe that we have all of the things we have accomplished though our own hard work and merit. And yes, while there is a payoff for our efforts, the hand of the Creator is in everything.

I have memories from a very early age of having God over for my tea parties. I took my tea with milk and sugar, and God took His black with a slice of lemon. I never felt alone. I always felt an exquisite presence. If only we could always live our lives looking through the lens of simplicity and certainty we had as children. As children, we possessed unbounded curiosity, and our innocence allowed us to believe in everything. As we get older we seem to lose or displace that simplicity and certainty. The relationship we have with the Creator is the only relationship that remains with us.

Trampled By Turtles released the song, Alone, which really strikes a chord in me (pardon the pun!) The lyrics that really move me are “You come into the world alone, and you go out of the world alone.”  Rather than finding this sad, I find it inspiring – motivating me to live with the consciousness that yes, we do come into this world alone, we meet all kinds of people while we’re here, some people we come to depend on, some to mentor, some to love, and then we leave the world alone. To quote Rav Berg, “You come into this world naked and you leave this world naked. What remains is the goodness you have done.” We hopefully touch lives, we affect people (positively, I hope), we leave our mark, and then what remains is—as the Rav said—the goodness we have done.

Life is filled with mirrors, experiences and people who serve to mirror or reflect an aspect of ourselves, or our behavior; every moment and everyone we meet has something to teach us. In life, we often put emphasis or importance on the wrong things and don’t appreciate the people and relationships that are truly of value. There is often one relationship in particular that we tend to neglect – the one we have with the Creator – and it’s the one relationship that never changes, that never leaves us, even if we have no memory of it at all in this life. It’s where we come from, and where we return.

Throughout our lives we seek answers… “I need to know what to do;” “I need to know the direction;” “I want to know why, how, when, where… I need to have clarity.” What we don’t realize is that we already have all the information we will ever need, and when we live with the consciousness that we already know everything we need to help us navigate life, we will always have certainty in the process, no matter what challenges we encounter along the way. Our certainty in the Creator is our greatest asset, and when we trust what happens to us, we can also choose to shift our focus to what really matters. The Creator sends us signs and messages throughout our lives; we just need to be aware of them.

How can we become aware of the messages?

Well, in Evan Almighty, the movie where Steve Carell plays a modern day Noah, there is this fantastic line said by God (played by Morgan Freeman) which I think best answers that question:

God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

Those are the signs – the opportunities – we need only to remember that everything we encounter in our lives is a means to transform and elevate us. The Creator has set everything up for us in order to fulfill our life’s happiness and fulfillment – from the relationships we have, the people we meet, and the challenges we face. But sadly, we don’t trust the process, thereby neglecting our relationship and connection with the Creator.

When things get us down, when we feel disappointed, or heartbroken we need to remember that the Creator set this up for us in the pursuit of the perfection of our souls – for the perfection of each day. We are not merely creating our own day; we are influencing the day that everybody around us is going to have. We inject our day and people’s lives with energy for the entire world, because our greatest task is to change – to truly make a difference in the world. Maintaining and nurturing our connection with the Creator is one sure way to succeed in that task.

What do you focus on throughout your day? Are you worried about what people think of you? What are your priorities? Is your relationship with the Creator one of them?

People often ask me how I found my spiritual path in life; how did I create a life for myself, where growth and happiness are not just a desire, they are an absolute necessity? The truth is, when I was 17, I found myself in such a sad and dark place. It was then that I started studying Kabbalah, and my life became more focused. I had direction, purpose, clarity, and for the first time in my life, I had a sense of certainty. There were still ups and downs, but I had a profound realization in the process: I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t have a voice, and I didn’t think I was worthwhile enough to discover myself.

The real change in my life only occurred once I had that realization. By thinking that I wasn’t worthwhile enough, it meant that I didn’t really respect who I was and where I came from. I didn’t have a relationship with myself, and more importantly and to the point, I didn’t have a relationship, or a connection with the Creator – my source and essence. I knew that if I didn’t develop this relationship, every other relationship that I would have, or would come into my life, wouldn’t be “worthwhile” in my mind.

The undeniable reality is that most of us, if not all of us, to some degree allow our thoughts of feeling undeserving or unloved permeate into our lives and overtake them. This causes a disconnection and we fall into the illusion of what we think we know, and what we think is real. The truth is, it’s not real. The Creator is like a magician, the tricks are an illusion, and we have no idea what goes on behind the curtain. If we can remember to focus on our relationship with the Creator, and prioritize what is truly important, that is when we can awaken true certainty, because the truth is, the Creator NEVER leaves us, and we already have everything we need to grow and be happy.

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

Nurture your relationship with the Creator this week. When you find yourself in uncertainty, doubt or unhappiness use that time to strengthen your connection with God. If you find for instance, in one week or one day that everything seems to be falling apart, or not going your way, it’s because you don’t have certainty in the Creator. Trust the setup, and let your intuition and memory guide you.

Posted in Happiness, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Self Improvement, Self-worth | 2 Comments

Say What?!

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Monica Berg

“Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.” Mark Twain

Are you ready to change everything about the way you speak? I don’t think any of us realize or appreciate the power that our thoughts and words have on our lives, and the lives of those around us. We face a daily battle with both our thoughts and our words – most of us believe that what we think and what we say are fleeting, leaving no trace of ever having been there in the first place, and having no effect. But that’s not true; they do, profoundly so.

To quote one of the most conscious people I know, my husband, “The powerful truth is that where we invest our thoughts is where we invest our soul.” If we spend our day with thoughts of anger, jealousy, or disappointment, then that is where our soul is placed, and it stays there. When we wake up the next day for instance, feeling sad, it should be no surprise because we have put and left our soul in a dark room. On the other hand, if we spend our day dedicated to and invested in genuinely positive actions and thoughts, then we’ll wake up the next day feeling light and hopeful because we have positioned our soul in a happy place.

One of the most important choices we make is where we choose to focus our mind – it’s the difference between living a life of overall fulfillment, or of having an underlying sense of disappointment. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, acknowledge the thought – a thought is just a thought and it can be changed. Let it go.

Think before you speak…

We have the power to change our thoughts, but we can’t change what we say once we’ve said it, it’s already out there. A few weeks back, I addressed the “Art of Listening,” and this week I find myself focusing on the “art” of communication. Is communicating an art form? Poetry recitals and storytelling circles, yes. But actually talking with another human being, is that art? Perhaps, if we treated it that way, we would be more thoughtful about what we put out there. Poets, writers, and musicians take their time in crafting what they want to say, the message they wish to put across, nothing is haphazard.

William Shakespeare said, “When words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain.” It makes me wonder how often we just say things because we can, without any accountability or sense of consequence. I’m not sure many of us are quite as crafty, thoughtful or conscious of our intentions during most of our exchanges.  We throw words around as if they contain no sort of substance or energy; we use profanities and engage in seemingly idle gossip and think nothing of it.

The Zohar says that negative speech is the worst form of darkness there is. Kabbalists explain that where we place our consciousness is what stays with us; when we judge another person, speak ill of them, and focus on the dark and negative aspects about them, we only awaken that within ourselves, drawing that same negative energy into our lives. Everyone has good and bad – everybody – surely the most beneficial way to go through life is by choosing to focus on the good because that’s the energy we want to invite and welcome into our lives.

 If I can’t appeal to you on a spiritual level then perhaps I can appeal to you on another level…

Remember the old playground chant, “I’m rubber you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” Academically speaking, studies show that because of the psychological phenomenon “Spontaneous Trait Transference” you unintentionally transfer the traits you ascribe to others back onto you. If I say to a friend, “Betty is really arrogant.” My friend will unconsciously associate that trait of arrogance with me. However, if I say, “Betty is brilliant and hilarious.” I am linked to those qualities. What we say about other people sticks to us.

We need to pay more attention to what comes out of our mouths so we can shift the tendency to speak negatively to expressing ourselves through more positive and uplifting things, because as kabbalist Baal Shem Tov said, “Every word that comes out of our mouth takes with it a part of our soul.” Essentially what the Baal Shem Tov is saying is that every time we speak, we let out an aspect of our soul – of ourselves – and the magic behind this idea is that every word we utter is actually a means to sustain our soul. Everything about us, everything about our lives, the good and the bad, is dependent on what we say – we draw the correlating energies into our lives. We choose to either sustain or take away from ourselves through the things we say.

It’s a powerful moment when we realize that a part of our soul goes out with a word, leaving a space, and inviting that same energy to fill it. With this understanding we can change everything about the way we talk, what we choose to say, and how we communicate effectively with everyone in our lives.

We live in a world where we are encouraged to speak our minds. A world where it is made easy to just blurt out all kinds of things; it’s fast, instantaneous, but is everything that we put out there meaningful and useful, or are we just contributing to the noise? It’s so easy to just talk, to instruct, tell, inform, and advise, but ask yourself if the information you are about to share has meaning or value for others. Our words have power, and we need to use them wisely.

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

Crafty communicators, I challenge you to change up your vocabulary for one week to reveal the impact our words have on our surroundings and us. If you are predisposed to negative speech, catch yourself in the moment and invert the energy – focus on the positive – keep it light! If you are inclined to use words like, “hate, no, can’t” replace them with, “love, yes, able” and see what happens.

 

 

Posted in Happiness, Love, Motivation, Potential, Relationships, Self Improvement | 1 Comment